My Mind

Sometimes, I get in weird moods.

Like, after reading a book or watching a movie or just randomly out-of-the-blue. I don't know how to describe it. It's just a weird mood.

This is the first time it's happened in a while. It used to happen more often when I was younger. Kind of like how deja vu happened to me everyday when I was in elementary school and now it only happens about once a month.

Victoria and I just watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I got the dvd for Easter. I've read the book twice, but it didn't make me feel this way.

It's similar to what Ze Franks calls the Everything Thing. I just rewatched that video and it made me feel a little bit better. Not that the mood I'm in is a bad thing. According to Ze, it happens to everyone.

It's kind of like when you're with a group of friends and you look around and you think, "Do I even really know these people?" And then you freak yourself out because if you don't know your friends, does that mean that nobody knows you? Does anybody know anyone? Can we even know ourselves?

It's kind of like one of my favorite books, An Abundance of Katherines by John Green. The main character, Colin, is so obsessed with "mattering" that he doesn't realize that it only matters that he matters to the that matter to him. MATTER MATTER. Now it doesn't sound like a word.

And sometimes I think about how everything is pointless. In the end, all we are are a miracle of protons, electrons, and neutrons that happened to be in the right place at the right time. We're not anything special, not to the Universe. The Universe doesn't care about us, about humans. The Universe just wants to be noticed. I think that may also be from a John Green book. I'm not sure.

Why am I in college? To get a good job. Why do I want a good job? So that my kids can go to college. Why do I want my kids to go to college? So that one day, they can get good jobs and send their kids to college so they can get good jobs and send their kids to college. It's a never ending chain of wanting what's "best" for the next generation. When does it end? When times ends. We humans will try our hardest to stay the way we are (alive) up until the very last second of everything.

And now I'm just thinking how in a year, 5 years, 20 years, no one will know about this blog. Maybe I'll have removed it from Blogger. Maybe I just won't remember I started it. And in 100, 200 years, no one will remember who we are, what we're doing. Only the famous and infamous will be remembered by the next generations. George Washington, King Tut, Jesus of Nazareth. Adolf Hitler, Attila the Hun, Napoleon Bonaparte. People who did things, who are remembered.

What does it matter how I do on my mechanics quiz tomorrow or my Spanish exam on Friday? Those are just two teeny tiny challenges I'll have faced in my life. They won't mean much. Maybe a higher GPA or higher self-confidence if I do well. But it won't matter to anyone else. No employer will check every grade I've ever gotten, no peer will know my whole history.

That may be the root, the cause. I want someone to know me. To really  know me. My roommate knows one me, my friends from high school, another. My classmates don't even know the bare minimum of who I am as a person. Do I even know myself? Being 20 is weird. I just want to be who I am and be done with it.